So I wrote this for english class this weekend and am rather pleased with it. It is a Shakespearean sonnet, so the format is very strict. I don't know for sure, but this might have been subconsciously inspired because of my grandmother, who is in the hospital, but sadly won't be around much longer. 
here goes nothing!
oh, and title ideas are very welcome too! I just made up this title off the top of my head
So backwards is the setting of the sun,
So beautiful yet saddening as well;
The moment that the honeyed light is done,
We're dunked benath a cold farewell.
The golden ship rests in it's final berth
Light's drowned forever in His abs'lute keep
Not one can see past the edge of the earth;
that final cliff that one day all must leap.
The darkness casts a frost round ev'ry eye
Who stayed to watch the golden sphere blink closed.
That soothing lively heat at last does die,
Our hidden fears to elements exposed
After a true long life full of sunsets,
One hopes the last will be gracefully met.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
I'll fix the typos next time that I edit this sonnet.
Thanks for the reviews!
Zomg a sonnet, I absolutely love sonnets! Here goes my two cents:
I love all of the first stanza except the second line; it needs more syllables, as it is now it messes up the rhythm of the poem. I also think that you could use stronger words than 'beautiful' and 'saddening'; they're bland, boring, and don't really invoke the feeling that a setting sun slash death should.
In the first line of the second stanza, it should be 'its' not 'it's', and in the third line it should be 'lights' instead of 'light's'.
In the first line of the third stanza: why did you cut out the syllable in 'ev'ry'? You don't need to cut a syllable, so 'every' would work just as well. When you do the apostrophe thing and it's not needed, it can get too pretentious too quickly. In the second line, I'd replace the 'who' with 'that' as it's referring to the eyes, not a person. In the third line, 'soothing' and 'lively' seem a bit contradictory; I'd actually just remove 'lively' and then I think the line would read more smoothly as well.
And the first line of the couplet needs a couple more syllables as well, but not just filler words (like true). Basically, I think you have wonderful ideas and images here, but you need to work on the rhythm. To do this, I suggest reading it in your head many more times, but also reading it out loud so that you can really hear how it sounds.
Cheers.
I thought it was great ^^
Dark but True. That's something that people don't like about poetry, is that it can be very dark. But sometimes darkness is the truth and the only real way to express one's self.
I think it is interesting, but I don't quite understand it.