Young Writers Society

In the first line of the third stanza: why did you cut out the syllable in 'ev'ry'? You don't need to cut a syllable, so 'every' would work just as well. When you do the apostrophe thing and it's not needed, it can get too pretentious too quickly.
Several of your problems seem to be with the number of syllables. The reason that I had to use certain words was to match sonnet format (10 syllables per line + iambic pentameter). That's another reason that I said "ev'ry" - to make sure that whoever was reading it wouldn't say "ev-e-ry", as some people do pronounce the word.

In the second line, I'd replace the 'who' with 'that' as it's referring to the eyes, not a person.

The 'eyes' in the second line are referring to people! Does it sound better with 'that'?

In the third line, 'soothing' and 'lively' seem a bit contradictory; I'd actually just remove 'lively' and then I think the line would read more smoothly as well.

I can't just remove the word lively without adding another word in it's place to fit sonnet format (again, I know. sonnet format is really strict and truly constricts the freedom of writing, but that's the way that it has to be). I liked the line, but do you have any other ideas for words to put in it's place?

Also, the last line of the couplet has 10 syllables:
"af/ter/a/true/long/life/full/of/sun/sets"
Again, do you have any recommendations to replace the 'filler' words?

In the first line of the second stanza, it should be 'its' not 'it's', and in the third line it should be 'lights' instead of 'light's'.

Zomg a sonnet, I absolutely love sonnets! Here goes my two cents:

I love all of the first stanza except the second line; it needs more syllables, as it is now it messes up the rhythm of the poem. I also think that you could use stronger words than 'beautiful' and 'saddening'; they're bland, boring, and don't really invoke the feeling that a setting sun slash death should.

In the first line of the second stanza, it should be 'its' not 'it's', and in the third line it should be 'lights' instead of 'light's'.

In the first line of the third stanza: why did you cut out the syllable in 'ev'ry'? You don't need to cut a syllable, so 'every' would work just as well. When you do the apostrophe thing and it's not needed, it can get too pretentious too quickly. In the second line, I'd replace the 'who' with 'that' as it's referring to the eyes, not a person. In the third line, 'soothing' and 'lively' seem a bit contradictory; I'd actually just remove 'lively' and then I think the line would read more smoothly as well.

And the first line of the couplet needs a couple more syllables as well, but not just filler words (like true). Basically, I think you have wonderful ideas and images here, but you need to work on the rhythm. To do this, I suggest reading it in your head many more times, but also reading it out loud so that you can really hear how it sounds.

Cheers.

I thought it was great ^^
Dark but True. That's something that people don't like about poetry, is that it can be very dark. But sometimes darkness is the truth and the only real way to express one's self.

I think it is interesting, but I don't quite understand it.